


Sprinkles

by CookieDoughMe



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Discussion of multiple canon Major Character Deaths of various kinds, Grieving, M/M, Nathan and Touch, Post-Troubles (Haven), Reference to Dwight/Charlotte, Reference to Nathan/Audrey, Reference to Nathan/Duke, brothers-in-arms to friends to lovers, post-series(ish)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:14:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27778948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CookieDoughMe/pseuds/CookieDoughMe
Summary: This is post-series and intended as canon compliant if you ignore the last few minutes of the finale - i.e. the Troubles have been over for a little while, but there is no (and will not be any) Paige on the scene.Starts off pretty angsty with Nathan grieving, ends up in a much happier place.
Relationships: Dwight Hendrickson & Nathan Wuornos, Dwight Hendrickson/Nathan Wuornos
Comments: 9
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

Nathan looked up from his paperwork at the sound of a knock on the office door.

"Hey, gotta cancel drinks tonight," said Dwight, getting straight to the point as always. "Lizzie was going to be staying at a friend's but it's been called off so I need to be at home."

"Fair enough," replied Nathan. 

"Rain check? Unless you want to come round to my place? I've got some beers in the fridge."

Nathan nodded. "Sure. I'll bring take-out."

-

Dwight’s coffee table was scattered with empty beer bottles and the remains of the chinese take-out that Nathan had brought with him. They had shared stories of their college days and talked as they ate (talked about anything that had nothing to do with the Troubles), and Nathan had almost remembered how to laugh once or twice. 

But now, with Dwight upstairs comforting Lizzie from a nightmare, Nathan sat back against the sofa, leant his head back and gazed despondent at the ceiling. It was the first time he had really stopped moving for days (for weeks - for years). He stared at the immaculate paintwork and tried not to think about why he was trying not to think about things. He managed it for a while, until the promises he had made to Duke and Audrey came back to him, and he realised he was in danger of failing to live up to both of them. Promises to live well and do justice to their memory and their sacrifices. Promises he had made with all his heart, and couldn't bear the thought of not meeting.

At least with Audrey, the way he had said goodbye to her was slightly easier to accept. She had made the choice (the same choice she always made; to help Haven), they'd had some time together, they had their goodbyes and she knew how he felt about her. That was one of the things he clung to when thoughts of Audrey plagued him; she had known how he felt about her, he was sure of that.

But with Duke, none of those things held true. The 'choice' that Duke had made was born out of desperation, in a situation that might have been avoidable. There was no comforting goodbye to look back on, no meaningful time together, no whispered sweet nothings, no certainty at all - in fact only a cold and numbing fear and anguish whenever he thought of Duke, their arguments through the years, or the way his life had ended. 

Sitting here on his own in an unexpected moment of inaction, the horror of it hit him all over again. Froze him to the spot really; he sat there blankly staring at the ceiling and ignoring the tears that fell down his face at the memory of how Duke had died, when the only way he’d had to tell it was over was by looking for the lack of movement, unable to even feel the weight of the body in his arms.

There was a sound from behind him as Dwight came back into the room, and Nathan suddenly found the will to move again. He quickly sat up and wiped his eyes, fully aware that Dwight had seen him upset.

Dwight didn’t comment on it though, but just sat down quietly beside him on the sofa, giving Nathan a moment to collect himself. 

"She alright?" Nathan asked.

"Yeah I think so. Just a nightmare; the house was being carried away by super-sized Jelly Babies."

Nathan managed half a laugh at that. "Six months ago I'd've had to ask if they were real."

" _ You _ alright?" Dwight asked pointedly.

"Yeah."

"Nathan," Dwight replied; a warning that even a white lie was not appropriate right now.

"Not really," Nathan admitted. "Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes it just … hits me. What I had … What I  _ did _ . To Duke." He rubbed at his eyes again, annoyed with himself.

"I know I wasn't there, but the way I hear it you didn't have much choice," said Dwight gently.

Nathan shook his head and took a breath in to speak again, but all that came out instead of words was a sob. He buried his head in his hands but didn’t turn away, torn between wanting to hide his anguish and not.

"Tried to tell him what he …" Nathan began, but the rest of the sentence was lost to sobs. "Couldn’t even feel… All my fault ..."

Dwight put a strong and steady hand on Nathan's back."It's not your fault Nathan," he said firmly.

"Because of me he had to ask … had to let me.… And now here I am, like I deserve a life after what I did …”

"Look, Duke could be a dick but he didn't deserve to die and more to the point right now, you didn't deserve to have to be the one to do it," said Dwight with feeling. "If I'd been there…" he began cautiously, but Nathan shook his head. "Think I have some idea of what the two of you meant to each other, no one should have to …"

"Never told him, not really."

"If I could work it out so could he,” Dwight pointed out. “Duke was a smart guy, he read people well. He knew."

"Maybe. Still should have told him. But that's why it had to be me. Would’ve appreciated the offer, but I wouldn't have let you do it. Besides, if I hadn’t shot Howard, if I had just ..."

"It is  _ not  _ your fault Nathan. It was just the Troubles, it was no one's  _ fault _ . Well, no one except for maybe Mara. And Croatoan I guess. Possibly William," he added in a faux thoughtful tone that almost succeeded in making Nathan laugh. "But  _ not _ yours. Sometimes people make mistakes; you're only human. Sometimes you can do everything right and people still die. The world sucks like that. You didn't create the Troubles, you didn't create the Crocker curse or fill Duke full of aether, you didn't make Croatoan do what he did. It wasn't your fault and you shouldn't have to carry it with you forever as though it was."

Nathan’s tears gradually dried up in the force of Dwight’s calm and impeccable logic. After a while he sat up just a little straighter and looked down at his hands resting on his knees. "Told him I’d spend the rest of my life repaying the debt I owe him."

Dwight nodded in firm agreement at this eminently sensible approach. "The best way to honor his sacrifice is to grab hold of the life he left you with both hands."

Nathan looked up at him, for just a moment, and then reached for him in a kiss, getting as far as the lightest touch of their lips before Dwight pulled away.

“Nathan …” Dwight began in an unmistakable ' _ I don’t want to hurt you but that’s not happening'  _ tone. 

"Sorry," Nathan mumbled. "Misread …"

"No," Dwight told him softly, "You didn't misread anything, but," he continued quickly at the look of fresh hope on Nathan's face, "this is not the time to be acting on it. You're upset, and…"

"Sorry, I … fuck I'm such a mess."

"Nathan," Dwight's tone was infinitely firmer now. "It's OK. Of course you're upset, you’ve been through a lot. Let yourself feel it."

Dwight rested a hand on Nathan’s back again, a strong and steady warm weight that Nathan could feel through his shirt. Nathan nodded and then kind of just … collapsed into a sob, curling his forehead down towards his knees and covering his face with his hands.

“It’s OK Nathan,” Dwight told him, meaning not,  _ There’s nothing to cry about _ , but rather,  _ It’s OK that you are. _

Nathan sobbed so hard his whole body shook and Dwight shifted closer, pulling him gently towards him so that Nathan toppled to the side, leaning on Dwight’s knees in an awkward half-hug.

Nathan's tears started to form a damp patch on Dwight's knee. Dwight just rubbed a steady, comforting hand across Nathan's shoulders, and thought of the good people they had lost and the terribly unfair ways they had died.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day Nathan felt just ever so slightly lighter, and much less awkward about the night before than he might have expected. Dwight was one of the calmest and most solid people Nathan had ever met, and with his military background he had seen a lot even before the trauma of the Troubles. To have Dwight see him so upset and to see that Dwight understood, that meant something somehow, even if he wasn’t sure yet quite what.

Evenings at Dwight's place with beer and take-out became a fairly regular thing after that. They met up for a drink in the Rust Bucket sometimes too. When the weather was nice occasionally they went fishing, or took Lizzie to the beach or for a walk through the woods and along the cliffs. It was easy to fall into a pattern of hanging out. They had a lot more in common now than either of them would have expected when they'd first met. They'd both lost people to the Troubles. They'd both been through a lot.

And so, they hung out. They drank beer and cheered on sports team. They fished. And they talked. Over the weeks and months that followed they talked a lot. Often in short, halting, stuttering sentences, struggling to pull the right words from their grief or guilt or fear or shame or anger - neither of them were all that good with words, and they had a lot of emotional fall out to deal with - but they talked. They stuttered out awkwardly phrased sentences, frowning and shaking their heads to themselves as they struggled to explain what the other already understood. They stuttered and they repeated themselves, sighed and frowned and banged their fists on tables in frustration - but they talked. 

They talked to each other about the Troubles and the people they had lost. About Audrey and Duke. About Lexie and Lucy, Mara and Croatoan. They talked about Charlotte - her role in the existence of the Troubles and in ending them, who she had been to Dwight and how she had died. They talked about their own specific Troubles and how they had coped with them. They talked about the things they could have done better and the ways things could still have been worse. They talked about Garland, the man they had known as father and boss. They talked about Dwight's ex, the woman who had been mother to Lizzie until she couldn't handle it any more and disappeared so thoroughly he hadn't even had a way to contact her when her child had died. Sometimes they watched TV; a movie or a game. Sometimes they just ate in comfortable silence. Sometimes they drank and sometimes they didn't but with every afternoon or evening spent together the tension of the last few years faded, just a little, and the relationship between the two of them shifted, ever so slightly.


	3. Chapter 3

"Think I forgot how to deal with the physical side of emotional stuff,” Nathan said one day. “Just feeling my heart beat, makes ... me think I'm - nervous or scared or … something but. It's just beating. Normally. Just, doing its thing. I never felt it for so long. Still unfamiliar enough it seems … dramatic. Makes every little emotional … anything, feel ten times bigger.” He shook his head to himself. “Feels like my body's running away from me, doing stuff without me sometimes. Like … I exist apart from it. Like it’s not really mine."

Dwight clapped a hand on Nathan's shoulder, surprising him slightly when he left it there. Nathan leant into the touch a little, appreciating the solidity of it.

"I know what you mean. When I was first dealing with my Trouble, this ability I couldn't control, felt like my body had betrayed me. I  _ wanted _ to exist apart from it. Took me a while to feel comfortable in my skin again."

"Not sure I ever will."

"You will," Dwight said confidently, squeezing his shoulder for emphasis. "The Troubles are gone. Being able to feel your own skin again will ground you back in your body, just might take some time."

Nathan flicked a smile at him and rested his hand on Dwight's, holding his hand there. Leaning into the contact. They hadn't really touched all that much since that first awkward hug. The occasional high five or friendly slap on the back. Neither of them were really touchy feely people.

"Still such a novelty to be able to feel anyone. Any thing. A hand through clothing; such a normal thing. I'd forgotten what it feels like."

Dwight stretched out his other hand in the universal gesture that meant,  _ Want a hug? _

After one little moment of hesitation, Nathan leaned into it and wrapped his arms around Dwight’s sides.

It wasn't a particularly intimate hug, only their arms and shoulders were really touching. It didn’t look like much, but Nathan wasn’t the only one who appreciated the feel of it.

"Tell me if I out stay my welcome here."

Dwight simply held him a little tighter and said, "Physical contact is a basic human need Nathan."

Nathan just squeezed back, feeling the solid weight of Dwight between his arms, one of the few men he'd ever spent time with who was taller than him.

-

After that, on the occasions when they watched TV, they would usually - though perhaps neither of them would have used this particular word to describe it - snuggle. Snuggle or hug or in some way or another touch; whether sat next to each other with an arm around the others shoulders, stretched out from opposite ends of the sofa with their legs tangled together in the middle, or leaning against each other at one end of it. But in some way touching, feeling the weight and warmth of another who knew what it was like to have your body betray you, feeling the comforting presence of someone who had been through similar things and who understood. 

After all of the conversation they’d had, they were comfortable enough around each other that the subject of Nathan's aborted attempt at a kiss didn’t come up and it didn’t need to. Any feelings like that that may have still existed were not part of what they were doing. It was just the platonic touch of a friend that was not due to attraction but simply about comfort and that basic human need to feel connected.

That didn’t mean of course that those feelings had disappeared entirely. Those feelings still existed - still there but just waiting for the right time, for a time when they would work. For a time when they would make sense.


	4. Chapter 4

It was spring, and Dwight had promised Lizzie he would re-decorate her bedroom. It was to change from the pink cartoon flowers she had loved when they’d first moved in, to a slightly more grown-up plain matt purple. So she spent the weekend at a friend’s, and Nathan helped Dwight move furniture out of the little room in the eaves of the house. They worked with the windows thrown open wide to let in air that carried that seasonal edge of freshness that always seemed to herald new beginnings. 

Once they'd swept the floor and washed down the walls, they got out the tins of paint that promised to need only one coat but predictably turned out to actually require two. It was a small room though - almost too small for two men of their height - and it didn't take long to cover the walls, and also parts of themselves, in purple.

"Think that's it," said Dwight, putting down the almost-empty tin of paint.

"She's going to love it," said Nathan, standing back to take a look at the wall he'd just finished.

"Thanks for the help man, would've taken twice as long without you."

"No problem," Nathan replied. He turned around to face Dwight, wiping paint off his hands. There was a streak of purple down Dwight's forearm and he started to reach out to wipe that away as well, before drawing his hand back. For all that they hugged, for all that they were close and spent a lot of time together, for all that they had been bumping into each other and moving closely round each other in the small space all weekend, somehow the act of wiping paint from Dwight's skin seemed like something that would cross a line. A line into a slightly different kind of relationship. A line that Nathan wasn't entirely sure was even really there any more, but which he didn't want to cross on his own, or to push Dwight over if he wasn't already interested in going.

So Nathan turned away from him to look out of the window onto the view of the garden and the hills beyond. "Something I want to say but, might not be very good at it. So, let me finish before you, say anything."

"OK," replied Dwight. They had both made similar requests of each other before, in some of their more emotionally-charged conversations about what they had been through.

Nathan took a deep breath. "I tried to kiss you once. You very sensibly turned me down. I was a mess. We've ... been friends and that's helped. I'm not quite so much of a mess now. Not to get all sappy on you but I really value this friendship. Don't want to mess that up. Don’t want to make you feel awkward or - I won't push it, is the point. Guess you know that. Point is, if you ever find yourself interested in ... a more, er, intimate relationship, just want you to know… I'm a safe bet. I don't want to make a move that might be unwelcome but if you want … that, then, I'm here. And if you don't that's OK too. Obviously. God I knew I'd be terrible at this. OK so that's it. Just wanted you to know."

For a moment it was quiet, and Nathan continued to gaze out of the window. Then he turned as he felt Dwight step up to him and rest a hand on his shoulder, skin warm where they touched. Dwight smiled at him. "Nathan, that wasn't terrible at all," he said with feeling.

He ran his hand down Nathan's arm, wrapped his fingers around Nathan's wrist and gently pulled Nathan into his space at the same time as he stepped forward into Nathan’s. His gaze dropped to Nathan's lips and as he leant forward they met in the middle for the softest kiss. Nathan brought a hand to Dwight's jaw and they stepped closer, just a little. The kiss deepened slowly, the both of them basking in touch of it.

Downstairs, the front door slammed. Dwight pulled gently away. "Lizzie's here to check out the new paint work," he noted.

"Yep," acknowledged Nathan, his eyes on Dwight's lips.

"But we are definitely picking this up later," Dwight said firmly. 

For an answer Nathan just grinned and nodded. They would have to have a conversation, but somehow he knew it would be an easy one to have. After all of the difficult conversations they had shared already, this one would be simple. And he knew they would be good together. Without the Troubles to complicate things, it felt like everything between them would be comparatively simple: just as long as they kept talking. And talking was part of their relationship already - afterall, if the Troubles, its secrets and their aftermath had taught them anything, it was the value of communication. So he felt sure they would keep talking, and that whether the conversations themselves were easy or not, the two of them together would be.

They stepped apart just before Lizzie came into the room in a flurry of coats and bags and exclamations about her weekend. She stopped mid sentence and looked around her at the new room. "Oh! I love it! This is going to be awesome!"

She didn't notice the way her dad and her favourite of his friends smiled at each other, but safe to say, they very much agreed with her sentiment.


End file.
